任是无情也动人

Fine. It's almost accepted by everyone that how the TV drama's kept being so incredibly unreasonable for years. So it makes me look like such an idiot to myself when I sat in front of my laptop watching the latest season of it. What even embarrassed me more is that I actually was moved by some scenes, all about Marina's temporary return.

Let's go back to the very beginning of season 1, where Jenny has just landed in LA. It was her subjective view that we followed to discover the life of those ladies, and the fresh and splendid world they showed to us. A girl, who wished take "fiction writer" as her lifetime career, would never decline any extraordinary experience like that; even just being an observer sounded so cool to her. And then there was Marina, who intended to seduce Jenny when they met for the first time. I still have no idea of how serious she was when talking about those literary stuff with Jenny. It might be her conventional way of seduction, usually followed by the pleasure of a predator. However, Jenny was so touched, precisely on some certain part of her heart...I was so attracted to the expression on her face then, because I saw myself there, too. I hated to see Jenny when she cheated on people around her, messed everything up with her selfishness, and read poems to dolphins as if she was doing something cool, yet I could never blame her too much for being sentimental. It's always memorable moments in our lives when one's lonely mind is appreciated and elaborated by the other.

Getting back to season 4, I felt sympathy for Jenny when her name was pronounced in the Italian accent once again. She was there, wearing a man style black hat, maintaining her social grace as several years ago, speaking out her name in her unique deep charming voice: Jenny Schecter. It was truly brutal.

The one who seduced you just for fun, who cheated on you, who betrayed you and later vanished without any explanation...usually we refer to her by saying something just the same as Jenny:

We were friends...and she was my first.

In the meantime, we are referred to as that by someone else.

情书十二载，相思化为零

　　我到豆瓣上逛的时候，在首页上看到熟悉的中山美穗在白色背景之上的侧脸。点进去看影评，觉得泛泛。转念又想，如今哪一个人评《情书》，能够得我的心呢。这不是文章本身的好坏问题，而在于，影片作为某种必修课本的一切好处，我们已了然于胸。我体会不出什么新的东西来，我知道它记载着暗恋的境界，逡巡于生死之际苦苦思索，而最打动人心的依然是一份过期不候的青春情怀。
　　但是，再优美的语言都给不出被渡边博子的喊声所击中的那一刹那，再圆熟的心智都追溯不到那些无知少年的感动。用文字保鲜感情的企图最终是会破灭的，好像刻舟求剑。
　　面对这些曾经从来不吝文字去热爱的东西，突然失语。《情书》竟然已经十二年了，对它有话可说的，只能是恰逢初恋时光的小朋友了吧——很令我嫉妒。“千帆过尽”未必是什么好事，“过尽千帆皆不是”仲衰……
　　情书不尽，你真的忘记了么？

　　还是看不破，于是又“文艺”了。真是贪嗔痴谩疑，五毒俱全。

　　

Ah...I remembered

爱欲之人，犹如执炬，逆风而行，必有烧手之患。

Grandma is under coma

　　我听说，她是体面人家出身，行三，是父亲钟爱的独生女儿。美国人的教会学校一直念到高中。她曾经谈起小时候的戴的首饰，说：我们这样的人家，银的是不戴的。
　　我也听说，她年轻时脾气古怪，有歇斯底里之嫌，常为些捕风捉影的事情跟丈夫争吵，对婆婆也不好。她绝不是可亲的人。
　　她原本当然是做太太的，后来家庭经济不行了才出来做事。因为不会说普通话，不能重操旧业做教师，然而当时街区的小学老师，都要倚赖她的辅导。她在里弄的图书馆工作一直到退休，这工作性质想来很适合她。
　　当年是她阻止丈夫去台湾，不愿意拖儿带女离乡背井。后来常被家人埋怨，说当时如果去了，至今家中就是另一番光景。她丈夫的武汉同乡开放后从台湾回来看他，说你们留在这里真是“造孽”。——其实这时候，平民百姓，谁又知道将来的事情。
　　她也有几张泛黄的旧照片，容长的脸，长相体面却绝对称不上漂亮。不像她丈夫早亡的第一任妻子，有一帧挽髻旗袍打着伞的典型民国照，美丽婉约。

　　这些事情，我也只好是听说。对我来说，她只是外婆，是家里的老人、长辈，小时候带我，喂我吃饭，给我最早启蒙的人。她身上毫无西式教育留下的痕迹，也并不怎么像旧式家庭的千金小姐，虽然脸常常是板着的，可从来不觉得凶，更没见她发过古怪脾气，对小孩是极有耐心的。
　　我想，在我开始记事的时候，她已经太老了。老，是会磨去很多东西的，一个人秉承了数十年的容貌、脾气、性格，都会渐渐模糊开去。最后，我外婆留给我的记忆，就跟其他很多人的外婆留给他们的，雷同了。

　　我们家的人大都寡言而理性，极少大喜大悲，读书时候擅长的科目是数学。而我是异类，看方块字做戏的傻子，这基因由何而来，已不可考。也许家里只有我，会由片言只语拼凑起外婆的青年和中年时代，遥想七十年前那个九省通衢的城市，武昌、汉口、汉阳这几个地名常常伴随着一些模糊的画面出现在我的脑海中，尽是温良简隽之色。
　　我外婆是民国2年生人，在这次生病之前，由于年纪太大，脑筋已经非常糊涂，时空概念混乱。常常的，说要回武汉去照顾年迈的父亲，照管家里的旧宅，探访旧时的亲眷。常常的，又说我外公出差回来了，要准备烧饭。
　　她愈是这么提起，我愈不可救药兼莫名其妙地怀旧。想起白先勇的一些小说：《岁除》、《冬夜》、《一把青》……小楼昨夜又东风。

　　如今她靠鼻饲进食，一直昏睡，偶尔吐一两个字。我想她是不能再开口讲出完整的故事了。她干枯的手，依旧看得出白皙修长的好轮廓。
　　我有时候去看她，突然就觉得很悲伤。没有人知道民国22年、32年的她是什么样子，光阴把一切过往都洗刷得惨淡。而我所暗恋的那个桃花源，随着老人的失语，愈发遥不可及了。

original sin

　　可以培养的兴趣很多，私心里最中意的，始终是看方块字做戏。字，更多的被用来当作工具，或是武器。我单爱看它们做戏，我是看戏的傻子。能有人一同推敲文字，抽丝剥茧，就是最快乐的日子了。这些日子，不经提起，我自己都忘了，又承望谁会记得。生命变作粗砾般质感，无可奈何。